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Showing posts from 2017

A Necessary Dying

There are tumbleweeds that blow with heat winds.You’ve seen them—giant skeletal balls of once-shrubs—rolling across barren land, quick with wind speed, their nothingness catching it somehow, using it to make them faster than they’d ever dared to dream, should an organism such as this, dream.
I’ve always thought them dead things, but in actuality, they are life-giving mothers on a birth mission.Mother-smart, they detach themselves from their roots, relinquishing themselves into the wind (another mother) and let it take them, as trusting as a child.The tumbleweed is free with purpose.
And so it tumbles—it’s in the name, after all—its emaciated tangle racing over dirt flats, all the while releasing a spawn of seeds in its path.New, not-yet mothers.Pods of one day sprinkled in its wake. Left for life.
I’ve swerved to avoid them, god forbid their bony, balled frame explode against my car’s paint.I’ve seen them piled against barbed wire fences, an atrophied orgy of a mission’s end.I thought th…

A Shout Out For My Unpublished Novel

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My book a purebred Tibetan Mastiff cowering under a tireless car fur matted, smelly breath, infected eye.
My book, a rusty nail you step on in your flip flops, summer of ’76, that abandoned house up on the hill, swallowed by forest, empty beer bottles, dirty, filleted mattress a shade of canvas brown and corner-torn square wrappers emblazoned with TROJAN that you don’t know about yet but oh…you know.
My book, a brightness that hurts like noon sun out the back exit of a movie theater but you sneeze and popcorn bits shotgun into your cupped palms and there’s a bit of snot and you wipe it all on your pants.



My book, a prima ballerina thirty-three years from now telling her grandkids how she traded the beauty of ballet for normal feet, an untended body.
My book, not wiping all the way perfectly.
My book, a pile of garage sale remnants left curbside with a hand-drawn FREE sign, still there in the morning, wet, letters running.
My book, my love, pockmarked and wrenched from my arms still bab…
I called a friend last night and i was walking and he was also walking except he was walking in the nighttime and i was walking in the day.  He was walking past a cemetery when I called him, "feeling sorry for myself" he said.  I wasn't walking past a cemetery and i wasn't feeling sorry for myself (for once) and i sympathized with him because that's what friends do. 

He was on his way to a bar and later revealed he detoured the bar just to talk to me.  


Flattery will get you everywhere.


He was loud on the phone and the night was loud behind him.  I pictured him bundled in a coat, walking against the wind even though it's summer where he's at and I heard zero wind.  In my mind he looked good.  Like the last time I saw him.

It was windy where I was.  I tried to talk louder. Hold the mic closer.  I had no coat on.  

We caught up on life as we do.  At one point he yelled at me to do a certain something.  It didn't feel good but I knew he was right.  For the pa…

Not Sure I Even Have One

I'm really busy at work. No...REALLY busy.  I've been running at 100  mph in four different directions and it's been this way since June and it really took its toll on me last month.  I had a bit of a breakdown on Friday that I'm pretty sure chipped away at my well-being.  It wasn't good.  It still isn't.

It made me realize some things that I already knew about myself.  Things I haven't really looked at for a long time.  They're still not pretty.  They're still ugly as fuck.  I don't like how they're still there, burrowed and waiting.

Whatever.

All I know is, something inside me shifted.  And i'm trying to do some things differently now.  I don't know if this will be a phase or if this will be something that sticks.  All I know is, a part of me broke down and maybe to get as far away from that as possible, I'm mixing things up. Changing things. Small things in small ways.  All I know is, I can't keep doing the same things and ho…
I’m not good at writing anymore.The words are gone.I can’t find them.Or am scared to.Or don’t want to. (But I want to…)
Words that are gone include, but are not limited to; diaphanous, vermiculated, wart, dusty, bygones, acceptance, camaraderie, enough, Jesus, popover, scumbag, tenuous, desperate, guy, space, art, fan, cat, umbrella, tumultuous, gravitas, honey, stacked, inside, balance, crumbs, death, gravity, basic, tomorrow, eat, heathen, stoic, besides, score, misogynist, echo, cardiogram, bandage, dog food, blister, toast, contain, adventure, shower, and, reckless, carriage, blast, fireplace, laser, disco, manhandle, tremble, scat, goober, winding, plate, underwear, candle, stain, yoga, malt, gray, pole, later, mindful, rewind, ladder, stage, condescend, wither, cluck, so, gym, toenail, waitress, lace, twisting, around, grind, blue, forever, kindness, ethics, hero, leaves, brushing, soaked, agony, guts, envelop, hurtful, deep, surround, earthly, tearful, ending, convenient, pan…

She Was There Too

I want to make you a sandwich.  That was my recent thought but now I remember it wasn't my first.  The first thought was eggs benedict.  I want to make you eggs benedict.  and mimosas.  I dont know how to make the eggs benedict exactly but the internet does so that means i do too.  I will bring the things in plastic grocery bags and i will put them on your counter and pull out the things and put them into the refrigerator and i will make Alexa play the music i want.  The sun won't be all the way into the windows yet but there will be sun.  The day will be noisy but I will tell Alexa, "Alexa, volume 8." and then Jim Croce will sing to an operator.

The other night, with heavy, cut-glass in my fist, I ate dinner with my eyes closed.

Happy Birthday To Me

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Today is my birthday but i dont care. I am just sad about it although everything in my drunken body tells me to be happy and embrace my age because if you dont age that means you have died. I am not dead. I am very alive. but still....



My age, when said out loud, is depressing.  But not as depressing as it will sound one year from today...out loud or not.  oh well. like i said...the alternative...

i got two amazing gifts and one lolthisismygift-gift, that i understand why the gift was given but in comparison to the other gifts and who gave them, makes it seem like an lol gift even thought it was a well intentioned gift.  ( i dont keep 'points' for gifts but it's still funny given the other gifts)

gifts
gifts
gifts

i've been into this drink the last few weekends.  cucumber vodka with fresh blended up watermelon and lime juice.  too bad watermelon chunks dont really 'catch' in a blender. you sort of have to push them down with a ladle and hit the button.  too bad …

Whale Shark

A Whale Shark is an animal that has a name made up of two very badass animals.  One animal in the name of "Whale Shark" is a whale which is a very large sea animal that swims underwater and breathes the oxygen that is in the water molecules. It looks like a 'behemoth' and if you were swimming underwater and saw one you would shit your wetsuit. However, I think you would have nothing to fear but fear itself because I think it's a 'gentle giant' type of situation. They only eat Krill which is like confetti for fish.  And, personally, i feel/like to think that they have the heart, mind and soul of Lenny from Mice and Men.

The other animal in the name of "whale shark" is shark which is an animal most everyone knows about because of the movie, Jaws.  A shark is an underwater sea animal that swims underwater and also breathes oxygen in water molecules same as the whale does (see above paragraph).  However, unlike the whale, sharks are fucking scary as…

Happy Force of July

I peeled all the heel skin off my foot last night.Haven’t done that for a while. Now it’s hard to walk unless I lift my heel up so it doesn’t touch the floor.It’s like I’m pretending I’m doing the walk of shame with a lost or broken high heel.
I put the peeled heel skin in my mouth and chew on it.I know that sounds gross but it seems the natural thing to do.It’s dark when I do it if that helps at all.The skin is thick, tough and tasteless.I feel satisfaction in breaking it down with my teeth.It’s the ultimate recycling, I think.I chew until it’s sufficiently masticated and then I swallow it.I swallow a strip of skin I peeled from my right heel.
I feel my heel again.I feel it for more rough spots, or spots where skin has already peeled back a bit.I scrape it with my fingernails until a strip appears and then I slowly rip it back.It lengthens and it hurts because sometimes the skin pulls off deep.Deeper than I had intended.But I don’t stop. I keep peeling.Even though it really hurts.Ev…

SPOILER ALERT!

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Hi Everybody.

Here is a new lil' book of mine out in the world.  It's called, "Spoiler Alert" because it ruins four movies for you; The Martian, Crimson Peak, The Revenant and The Big Short. So, if you haven't seen any of these movies and don't want to be "spoiled" definitely don't buy this book.  Otherwise, it's only a meager $5 and and there's a man made up like a woman on the cover.

CLICKETY CLICK TO BUYETY BUY!


NEW CHAPBOOK ALERT!

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It's coming out soon and you can pre-order HERE!!!


It's been so long that I've had any 'action' that i forgot how to do all the linky things and image things on my blog. sadness.

Friday

night I yelled at a scientist.  I didn't mean to.  She looked like a plain girl.  Just unordinary.  Mousy brown hair, fair enough face but nothing to write on your blog about.  Small frame.  Nice voice.  She was holding a beer and so was I.  When someone told me she was a scientist i asked, "Oh, what do you science?" and she said, "Blood cancers." and i WHOOPS sort of said, straight-faced, "Well, can you work a little faster and harder because in the past month...and even in the past DAYS...a cancer shitstorm has rained down upon many lives around me."  and then i realized maybe since this lady girl woman scientist (she looked 22 years old tbh) didn't really know me that maybe she would be confused and feel like I'm a weirdo (which I clearly am) so I tempered my small 'outburst' with a smile and said, 'sorry, i mean, i just had a 54 year old relative die in their sleep of bone cancer ONE DAY AGO and a friend of mine's wife WHO …
You can't see me but I am in the morning.  This section of the day, that small in-between sliver before the day cracks around me and what I believe could be possible shrinks and pulls back.  I love this part.  It feels like mine.


Rusty

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Kombucha. What is that shit? My 2017 resolution is to not drink any Kombucha. Doing pretty good so far.



I stayed out late on Friday and now I’m sick. Well, to be clear, I ate a Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s at 2:25 am and then walked about a mile home in ‘almost raining weather’ because when you’re still probably drunk and home seems too close to call an Uber, you decide to walk even though you’re wearing heels. Do you know how fun it is to order a “Moons Over My Hammy” at Denny’s? So fun. The overnight wait staff at Denny’s look like hostages.Anyway, I walked home in the cold without a jacket and eventually I became barefoot on the cold wet pavement. So, my sick could have something to do with that.
Needless to say, I pretty much skipped New Year’s Eve. Was in bed by 11:00.Go me.
I watched a lot of movies this weekend. Binge watched The OA. Wtf with the ending? Still debating what happened. KNEW the movements were choreographed by the Sia guy even before I looked it up.KNEW IT.