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Showing posts from October, 2015

MOVIE REVIEW: Crimson Peak

Crimson Peak is a movie I wanted to watch last night and so I did.It started at 5:25 so I had to sneak out of work ten minutes early so I could speed to the theater and get there in enough time to park and then get to my seat.
I barely made it.
I really should’ve anticipated LA traffic on a Friday and left 15 minutes early instead of just 10 minutes early.I almost got into four car accidents rushing to be on time to see this movie.It was pretty scary.But I made it there safely!
SPOILER ALERTS!
Crimson Peak is a movie about a giant English mansion that is set on a high peak.The peak is crimson.Hence, Crimson Peak.Clever!
The peak is only crimson when it snows.Turns out the peak is made of solid blood and when the blood gets cold it turns red and starts seeping out into the snow so the snow looks all bloody.It is ‘snow-activated blood earth’, basically.You don’t find this out until halfway through the movie so I’m saving you time right now.
The mansion’s name in this movie is Adderall,…

Movie Review: The Martian

SPOILER ALERT
I watched “The Martian” last night.I watched it at a theater I’ve gone to for 20 decades and for the first time they were checking people’s bags for firearms. MERICUH!Good job everyone!Go to church wearing your “Sandy Hook Was Just a Speed Bump” t-shirt and high-five your God cuz ‘that no good Muslim Obama ain’t gonna take your guns away.’On Monday you can watch the live feed of the next school shooting while eating popcorn and washing it down with holy water.Winning is great, right?
The Martian is chock full of Matt Damon.If you are a big MD fan, this movie is for you! If you have any Matt Damon issues, you should probably not go see this movie.I don’t have a lot of MD issues, so I was fine.Except the lady sitting in front of me was coated in an old lady perfume casing and the smell wouldn’t dissipate. I had some issues there.
Spoiler Alert. (Saying it again in case you missed it)
The movie starts on Mars.Mars looks like an endless desert. It looks like Mad Max Fury Ro…