A Necessary Dying

There are tumbleweeds that blow with heat winds.You’ve seen them—giant skeletal balls of once-shrubs—rolling across barren land, quick with wind speed, their nothingness catching it somehow, using it to make them faster than they’d ever dared to dream, should an organism such as this, dream.
I’ve always thought them dead things, but in actuality, they are life-giving mothers on a birth mission.Mother-smart, they detach themselves from their roots, relinquishing themselves into the wind (another mother) and let it take them, as trusting as a child.The tumbleweed is free with purpose.
And so it tumbles—it’s in the name, after all—its emaciated tangle racing over dirt flats, all the while releasing a spawn of seeds in its path.New, not-yet mothers.Pods of one day sprinkled in its wake. Left for life.
I’ve swerved to avoid them, god forbid their bony, balled frame explode against my car’s paint.I’ve seen them piled against barbed wire fences, an atrophied orgy of a mission’s end.I thought th…

A Shout Out For My Unpublished Novel

My book a purebred Tibetan Mastiff cowering under a tireless car fur matted, smelly breath, infected eye.
My book, a rusty nail you step on in your flip flops, summer of ’76, that abandoned house up on the hill, swallowed by forest, empty beer bottles, dirty, filleted mattress a shade of canvas brown and corner-torn square wrappers emblazoned with TROJAN that you don’t know about yet but oh…you know.
My book, a brightness that hurts like noon sun out the back exit of a movie theater but you sneeze and popcorn bits shotgun into your cupped palms and there’s a bit of snot and you wipe it all on your pants.

My book, a prima ballerina thirty-three years from now telling her grandkids how she traded the beauty of ballet for normal feet, an untended body.
My book, not wiping all the way perfectly.
My book, a pile of garage sale remnants left curbside with a hand-drawn FREE sign, still there in the morning, wet, letters running.
My book, my love, pockmarked and wrenched from my arms still bab…
I called a friend last night and i was walking and he was also walking except he was walking in the nighttime and i was walking in the day.  He was walking past a cemetery when I called him, "feeling sorry for myself" he said.  I wasn't walking past a cemetery and i wasn't feeling sorry for myself (for once) and i sympathized with him because that's what friends do. 

He was on his way to a bar and later revealed he detoured the bar just to talk to me.  

Flattery will get you everywhere.

He was loud on the phone and the night was loud behind him.  I pictured him bundled in a coat, walking against the wind even though it's summer where he's at and I heard zero wind.  In my mind he looked good.  Like the last time I saw him.

It was windy where I was.  I tried to talk louder. Hold the mic closer.  I had no coat on.  

We caught up on life as we do.  At one point he yelled at me to do a certain something.  It didn't feel good but I knew he was right.  For the pa…

Not Sure I Even Have One

I'm really busy at work. No...REALLY busy.  I've been running at 100  mph in four different directions and it's been this way since June and it really took its toll on me last month.  I had a bit of a breakdown on Friday that I'm pretty sure chipped away at my well-being.  It wasn't good.  It still isn't.

It made me realize some things that I already knew about myself.  Things I haven't really looked at for a long time.  They're still not pretty.  They're still ugly as fuck.  I don't like how they're still there, burrowed and waiting.


All I know is, something inside me shifted.  And i'm trying to do some things differently now.  I don't know if this will be a phase or if this will be something that sticks.  All I know is, a part of me broke down and maybe to get as far away from that as possible, I'm mixing things up. Changing things. Small things in small ways.  All I know is, I can't keep doing the same things and ho…
I’m not good at writing anymore.The words are gone.I can’t find them.Or am scared to.Or don’t want to. (But I want to…)
Words that are gone include, but are not limited to; diaphanous, vermiculated, wart, dusty, bygones, acceptance, camaraderie, enough, Jesus, popover, scumbag, tenuous, desperate, guy, space, art, fan, cat, umbrella, tumultuous, gravitas, honey, stacked, inside, balance, crumbs, death, gravity, basic, tomorrow, eat, heathen, stoic, besides, score, misogynist, echo, cardiogram, bandage, dog food, blister, toast, contain, adventure, shower, and, reckless, carriage, blast, fireplace, laser, disco, manhandle, tremble, scat, goober, winding, plate, underwear, candle, stain, yoga, malt, gray, pole, later, mindful, rewind, ladder, stage, condescend, wither, cluck, so, gym, toenail, waitress, lace, twisting, around, grind, blue, forever, kindness, ethics, hero, leaves, brushing, soaked, agony, guts, envelop, hurtful, deep, surround, earthly, tearful, ending, convenient, pan…

She Was There Too

I want to make you a sandwich.  That was my recent thought but now I remember it wasn't my first.  The first thought was eggs benedict.  I want to make you eggs benedict.  and mimosas.  I dont know how to make the eggs benedict exactly but the internet does so that means i do too.  I will bring the things in plastic grocery bags and i will put them on your counter and pull out the things and put them into the refrigerator and i will make Alexa play the music i want.  The sun won't be all the way into the windows yet but there will be sun.  The day will be noisy but I will tell Alexa, "Alexa, volume 8." and then Jim Croce will sing to an operator.

The other night, with heavy, cut-glass in my fist, I ate dinner with my eyes closed.